i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
