it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
