Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
