Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
