if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
