as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
