i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
