you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize