Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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