i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
