Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
