: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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