I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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