i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
