i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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