Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
