I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
