Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
