i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
