OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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