My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
