Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
