I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
