Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
