Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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