I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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