I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All the doctor said was why
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
