I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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