I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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