I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
