that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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