ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
