Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
