Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think i have two assholes
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
