Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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