I'm gonna have a badass scar
we made out on top of his cat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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