my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
