see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have fence marks all over my body
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
