That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
