is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
