He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
