Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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