I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
