I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
