he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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