So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
