god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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