My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
