If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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