The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
