Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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