Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A+ Viking dick
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