My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
