I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Did you just see the Batmobile???
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize